report cards

Every year we have a back to school dinner. Last year, I decided it would be a good time to introduce a family theme/goal to work on. Last year's was this:


This week, as I have been thinking of the new theme, I have also contemplated our progress on working hard.

Brian's grade: A
Clearly Brian gets points for being the only bread winner, but he gets extra credit for graduating, and working long hours, traveling, and pretty much working non-stop. He did get docked several thousand points for screwing up my plans several times due to him working unexpectedly and missing like my entire ninth month of pregnancy (which lets face it, that alone should have flunked him), but due to all his extra credit, he shot back up to grade A.

Jonas' grade: B+
Jonas worked pretty hard in school this year.... at first. But by the first parent teacher conference I had a cute teacher trying her best in a positive way to say what I already know about Jonas: somewhere in his head is a world. A wonderful place that only he can go; a place for him to ponder the wonders of the universe. But it's a place that is so vast, he frequently loses himself and has a tough time finding his way into the world in which we all reside. Luckily we welcome him back every time. At school, he improved a ton, he now only reserves his retreat for special times at home like whenever he is required to work.

Hailey's grade: B+
Hailey was like the worlds GREATEST student this year. She obeyed every single rule to a "T". She treated homework like it was a trip to Disneyland. She was so enthusiastic about everything. At home she was a big helper, a fabulous babysitter for all the babies frequenting our house, and she made lots of new friends. But Hailey lost points for OVER competitiveness. If there was a compliment made to any one member of the house, she left in tears sure that no one would love her again. Ever. She was sure she was minutes from being dropped at some random orphanage's doorstep with a note pinned to her that says, "Please take care of me... and dress me in pink."

Caleb's grade: C
worked hard. he worked REALLY hard. The problem was, his hard work was in all the wrong places. Caleb worked on learning to tell a lie. He would ask for chocolate milk at 10 PM and I would say no, it's bedtime. He would then go ask dad who would counter with the classic: "ask your mom", and he would then tell him that mom said yes.
He also perfected his skills in the areas of: making messes, teasing, breaking things, and throwing monstrous tantrums.
I know, sounds like an F grade, BUT
Caleb saved me from the torment of changing a toddler's diaper by deciding once and for all to give up the diaper, therefore he bumped a couple of grades to pass.

Porter's grade: A
Porter spent most of the year working hard by growing to massive proportions. He did so well in this area, he managed to outweigh all of my other massive children at birth. He is currently working hard at tolerance. Tolerance for all those little hands in his face and bouncing him around and "accidentally" waking him up.
He has also been conducting experiments by seeing just how far he can shove his fist down his throat.
He's just too cute to be given anything else, really.

my grade: ???
well I can't very well grade myself can I? My only option is to hand this one over to the husband.
Brian?