The mud strikes back

I would show you more but you really don't want to see. You really don't. All you need to know is that these children's grandpa asked me if they would like to go play in the "water". I took this as an invitation for clean water fun in a pool or some sprinklers. Apparently, "water" meant the irrigation in the pasture. Which comes with a whole lot of mud. I asked them what happened. Jonas' response? The mud strikes back. I think he lacked in the whole remorse department.
They were cold you see. And somewhere along the line, Jonas picked up the knowledge that mud retains some warmth from the earth, So he went ahead and spread it over his entire body. Every inch. Hailey helped him with the inches he couldn't reach. Then it looked like too much fun for her to pass up, so she covered herself as well. By the time I discovered what they were doing, it was too late. So I did what any mom would do. I took pictures.
While I was dealing with hosing them off, I could hear the terrified chirps of the chicks which meant only one thing: Caleb was awake. I was on my way in to rescue the chicks when Caleb innocently came strolling out of the room... with feathers covering his shirt as evidence. So far all the chickens have survived his "loving". But I will keep you posted.
Just another day around the Swanson household. And unfortunately, this really is life as usual.

Desperately Seeking...

This is the last full week of school for us. So today I have some major preparation for summer to do. Why? Because I desire my sanity. And with out a schedule of things to do, that sanity will slip away from me faster than water in my hands.
So I am busying myself with:
1. Digging out all the pool gear.
2. Renewing my membership to the zoo.
3. Paying a gigantic fine at the library.
4. Restocking the bubble/sidewalk chalk bucket.
5. Refilling the art drawers. There will be a whole lot of cutting and pasting, I can promise you.
6. Finding a good naughty corner/chair/rug for all those time outs my kids will be receiving due to all the fighting they surely will be doing.
7. Scheduling playdates (anyone? anyone?)
8. Searching high and low for more summer activities.

So, what is on your agenda this summer?

They better bring a rain coat

So our 2008 anniversary was spent as planned... dinner and a movie. Dinner was good. The movie was good, but the movie theater expierience left much to be desired. Warning: you are about to read a complaint. If you do not want to read my petty complaint, just X out and know I had a nice anniversary, thank you very much.
Still here? Ok, you were warned... the last 2 movie going expierinces have been almost ruined due to a whole bunch of annoying people. They are:
#1- the parents who bring their 2 year old to a pg-13 movie that is too scary for them and they spend a good majority of the movie crying.
#2- parents who bring the baby (I am normally ok with this) and the baby cries and they don't take the baby out.
#3- people who have just decided that whispering takes too much effort and so they decide to just voice their thoughts throughout the movie to the entire audience in what could only be described as preacher style.
#4- teenagers. I do not even know why people complain about little kids when there are teenagers in the theater. We sat by a group of them who for some odd reason decided to stand up every five minutes and stretch. They also felt that whispering was overrated and went ahead and just let us all know what they were thinking, and it was never anything to do the movie.
#5- cell phone addicts. I mean why would someone sit and text someone the entire movie you just payed ALOT of money to go see?
#6- the tuff guy that is as sick of all the disturbances as we are but decides to stand up and yell at the annoying person and causes further disruption by instigating a fight.

These people should not go to the movies. I don't know why they do. I don't get why they aren't aware that they are really disrupting other people around them. I don't know why they don't just stay at home and bask in their annoyingness.

On the flip side, several things have improved at the movies. The seats are much better now with stadium seating; you rarely get your view obstructed by the abnormally tall person that decides to sit in front of you. Leg room has totally improved so the late comers can walk past you without breaking your legs. Reserved seating is awesome. I love that you don't have to go stand in line for an hour to get a seat. And the nasty artery clogging popcorn is still just as heavenly.

So I guess I will continue going to the movies a few times a year, but I decided next time, I am totally bringing a fully loaded super soaker to quietly and efficiently take care of those annoying people.

What I know after 9 years

First of all, I love the totally stiff, rigid and basic uncomfortable feel this picture gives. Totally sums up my wedding day. Not to self: get less posed shots at major life events.
This weekend we will be celebrating 9 years married. We are so old school right?
In celebration of this occasion, I thought I would sum up the last 8 anniversaries.
2000 - year 1- sat at home and stared at our 4 week old baby.
2001 - year 2- dinner and a movie
2002- year 3 - pregnant and sick
2003- year 4 - dinner and a movie
2004- year 5 - Vegas baby! (lots of exciting things to do in Vegas when you don't drink and gamble. There is the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum...pure fascination there; and there is always the "cheap impersonating celebrities show" where you are crammed in like sardines next to random drunk strangers.
2005- year 6 - dinner and a stroll around walmart
2006- year 7 - a stroll around walmart
2007- year 8 - dinner
Year 9? That will most likely be dinner and oh I don't know... a movie?
Yes, we know how to celebrate.

I would also like to mention that nine years of marriage adds up to a lot of years of learning. Some things we have worked on and gotten them down pretty well. Other leave much to be desired. The following are a couple of lists that further illustrate my point...

Top 9 things we have pretty much figured out:
1. Getting a family of five ready on time for nine am church... a major accomplishment!
2. The makings of a perfect road trip...minus the children.
3. Disciplining our children... not that we ever need to. (insert sarcasm here)
4. The night time ritual... me do stories, teeth brushing and tucking of the older 2. He does the littlest one and the getting of the giant ice waters.
5. How to read each other. (knowing when we need to ignore one another for a little bit, when we need to pay more attention to the other for a little bit)
6. How to get Saturday chores done. (It's all about the rock music blasting)
7. How to play a mean game of catch when we are deep in conversation.
8. How to politely tell a hard truth to one another.
9. How to stay happy through all the curve balls of life. (although he does a bit better at this, I must say)

So warm and fuzzy, right? Just to balance things out, here is my list for
Things I would like to spend the next 9 years working on:

1. My husband's ability to multitask (he is the reason they have to no cell phone while driving law; very scary, people)
2. Our anti-social behaviors (especially with the ward)
3. Making more time for dates. Like one a month would be nice...
4. My husbands sleep disorder. (He can miraculously sleep through babies crying and his own snoring.)
5. Reforming my husband's new found urge to listen to country. (This hurts my ears and my heart.)
6. Allowing/making time for my husband to have more one on one time with his guitar. (Believe me, I never thought I would need or want to do this.)
7. Converting my husband to some of my liberal, hippie thoughts. (this is likely to not happen, seeing as he listens to Rush.)
8. Lowering the level of sarcasm in our home and to each other. (I totally for see this happening) 9. My husband's hoarding issues. ( it's not just his closet anymore, but now the text books are beginning to flood the bookshelves)

This list may appear a little one sided; like my husband is the only one that has anything to work on. But the way I see it is this is my blog and I can slant things the way I like!

Happy anniversary, husband. As you know already, you have a nearly perfect wife.

If you are entertainment deprived...

I am so excited this show is on tonight. It is one of my favorites. I think I realized I like it even more than American Idol. I think this is partly due to the fact that I don't, in fact, think I can dance at all. I am actually quite sure I have no dancing skills. SO I find I appreciate what these people can do a lot more than someone singing, because let's face it... singing just isn't as hard.
I am also excited for this show because I have no life after 8:30pm. The kids are in bed, the husband is on the laptop doing something for work that I don't understand, or doing something for school that I REALLY don't understand. SO it is just me and the DVR. and some kettle corn. Yep, that's me. Sitting with my feet up, eating popcorn and watching people who look like they haven't eaten in a really long time, working a lot harder than I have in a really long time. Sounds like a great Thursday night, right?

All my hopes and dreams down the drain

Yesterday I attended an author's tea at Jonas' school. The kids have been working on a true story all year complete with illustrations, and this is the day they get to invite family for cookies and punch and a public reading.
My first mistake was bringing my monster with me. I don't know why I do this. I think I am just holding out hope that one time I will take him somewhere and he won't embarrass me. Still holing out hope for that one.
So we get there and it's not 2 minutes before the monster pours OJ all over Jonas' desk. Then the carpet. As I am cleaning this up he throws a ball and knocks something off the wall. Nice. At this point I pin him down and let Jonas begin his reading.
Half way through his story I start to think about how every song, story and joke in our house has some kind of potty talk. I start to wonder if he knows better than to write a story with something gross in it and read it for the whole class and their families to hear.
Turns out he doesn't. Nice.
After the lovely story complete with the recounted tale of his uncle peeing his pants, it is time to check him out. As he is gathering his things, I look in his tote tray to see what would be a mouse's heaven. Bits of crackers and who knows what else scattered among bits of trash. No one else's tote tray looks this nasty. Really nice. Then as we walk over to grab his back pack and I see that his is the only one laying strewn on the floor.
And then I know for sure; that mother of the year award? I'm Definitely out of the running.

Happy 50th to me!

I realized today, that this post will be my 50th post and due to the fact I have had case of writer's block lately, I figured I would celebrate post number 50 with 50 very random things about my life in no particular order... lucky you.
1. I cut and color my hair once a year... I don't know why but I never want to spend the money on it.
2. I am addicted to chap stick. and I am always buying it because I am always loosing it.
3. I am a member of the VLC club... and if you don't know what that is, then you are not alone.
4. A warm toilet seat really grosses me out.
5. I used to love Pauley Shore... and the movie Encino man. I think I saw it over 100 times. Sorry.
6. I still have hippie thoughts.
7. 10 years ago, I thought I would grow up and be a writer.
8. I am an organized messy person.
9. I have a devotion to Target. I love it deeply.
10. I have a very hard time crying in front of people. Even my husband.
11. I listen to music for the words. I love songs with lyrics that move me.
12. I don't like to take medicine.
13. I avoid people I know in stores.
14. I am AwEsOmE at tetris.
15. I think I am a nice person.
16. I can rarely say no to things.
17. I definitely don't delegate well.
18. I don't have my ears pierced.
19. I love truthful, honest things. Honest emotions in movies and photographs and writing will get me every time. Even if it is brutal like in Ordinary People.
20. There are days that I don't even look in a mirror.
21. I am a faithful Saturday Night Live watcher. Although it's not even funny this made me laugh last Saturday night
22. Watching men get hit in the crotch on America's Funniest Home Video never ceases to make me laugh.
23. I don't own a swimsuit and haven't in years.
24. I am so into Harry Potter that when book 7 came out. my husband and I got a babysitter and checked into a motel so we could read uninterrupted the whole weekend.
25. I can't believe I am only half way to 50.
26. I am a home body.
27. I love cooking and cleaning in the kitchen alone with my music.
28. I do not clean without music blasting.
29. I rely on my mom for too much
30. I wore tennis shoes with my wedding dress.
31. I am decorating impaired
32. My kids have total potty humor and it is in no way my doing.
33. I hope to have another daughter someday.
34. I have never had stitches or broken a bone.
35. I have never been comfortable with the way I look.
36. I use sarcasm way more that anyone should.
37. I turn the ac, heater, and TV volume to odd numbers only.
38. As I get older I find myself becoming more and more like my mother.
39. I love solitaire.
40. I love staying up late and talking to my husband in bed.
41. I almost always have a fine at the library.
42. I never buy cards. I love making them.
43. I think milk is disgusting.
44. I think time speeds up when you are on the computer.
45. You hear people in my religion say all the time that you chose your trials before... I don't believe this at all.
46. I love the smell of crayons
47. I wish I was an artist.
48. I have a very hard time with any kind of life change.
49. I tried to shave my head on my 19th birthday, but the lady wouldn't do it. I got a vey ugly buzz.
50. I have never written about myself so much in my life.

My kitten poster must have been lost in the mail

Confession: I am not a pet lover. I love animals. They are all cute and cuddly and whatever... But I am not a fan of having an animal reside in my home.
I apologize to those friends that love their pets. I love your pets too, I just don't want them to live with me.
And by the way, not all pets are created equal. Their are some animals that I don't see me ever loving. Take the cat for example. Most of you know this about me. I don't get cats. I am very sorry to those of you who have your little kitten calenders next to your computers, but they are quite repulsive to me. They don't bathe, and generally, I stick with those living creatures that are on the opposite side of the clean spectrum. I am fairly solid on my rule of not associating with any sort of creature that considers licking itself an adequate cleansing.
Dogs. I do love dogs. But they stink. Quite regularly. And they chew things I would like to leave unchewed. They eat things like expensive pound cake from costco that you wanted to eat yourself. They lick you too much, and I like to limit my lickings. I had a dog, I loved him. He died and their will be no replacing him if I have any say in the matter.
So the point I am trying to reach is that my kids are deprived. They suffer from pet deprivation and are starving for animal interaction. But they are healing thanks to our current living situation. Due to circumstances beyond my control, we have chicks in our home. My kids see them as little furry balls of love given to them from Heaven. I find them loud, annoying, and extremely poopy. My kids have managed to love about half of them to death. Literally. They are no longer aloud to touch them, but rather watch them grow and later they will be aloud to go out to the chicken coop and gather their eggs. I am hoping this will be enough pet interaction for them, because it most assuredly is for me. And maybe this chicken business will solve their desires for a cat, because I don't think Hell ever really will freeze over.

Mothers Life Lessons

I have never had a blankie kid. And honestly I have been a little happy with that fact. Why? Because blankies are dirty. They are carried and dragged everywhere and I have yet to see a blankie that isn't stinky and dirty, no matter how much the mother washes the thing. I had been enjoying my blankie-less bliss until child number 3 came along. He broke the Swanson Child mold in so many ways.
Unfortunately Blankie Love happened to be one of the ways.
Had I known my child would be prone to such a thing, I would have done my best to encourage a much more attractive blankie, but alas his sight and heart fell upon one of ugliest blankies ever made.
Caleb drags the blasted thing everywhere he goes. It is in a constant state of dirty. Despite my efforts to wash it into little pieces, it neither cleans or disappears, much to my disappointment. Today as my child climbed into my bed and put that ugly blankie right in my face, I saw so much more on that blankie than I should have. Like little black hairs of the Doberman that resides with us. Chocolate milk stains. Something green and crusty and we will not delve further into this. Just know it was very EWW. That was it. I was going to wash this blankie RIGHT NOW.
Normally I sneak his blanket into the wash and when he asks for it I distract him over and over until it is over. But the blanket was so gross and it was much too early in the morning for all that effort, so today I just tossed it in. And he saw me do this. Which provoked a much unwanted tantrum of massive proportions. He acted as if I had murdered his one and only love. There was no distracting him this time, nothing worked. He just stayed in that little laundry room his hand lovingly placed on the washer like it was his blankie's final resting place.
But after we took the kids to school we came back into that laundry room and rescued Blankie from the dryer and they are now currently back together, basking in the joy and love of their sweet reunion. And as he caresses his blankie and quietly vows to never be parted again, I see that a mother should never come between a boy and his blankie.

My Saturday in a Nutshell

One of the nice things about Mother's Day for me, is that it always tends to be Mother's Weekend. I got breakfast made for me and a whole day of getting stuff done almost entirely uninterrupted. (thanks to my husband who was here and put off all his work and homework for my "craft time.") I was able to get all the above done in about 3 hours when it would normally take 8. Go me! So I had a little time left over to bowl on the Wii. Man, if only I could bowl that good in real life, I could actually say I had a talent.

Very Random Ranting

My daughter owns more clothes than I do. I know that is not something to be proud of, but her clothes are a lot cheaper and frankly, she looks a lot cuter in them than I do. You would think that in all those drawers and inside that large closet that I could find one pair of pants without holes in them, but alas, I cannot. What is up with the manufacturing of pants these days? Are the knees made out of some sort of magical fabric that disintegrates upon human contact ? I mean she isn't doing any break dancing, or rubbing of rocks onto her knees or anything crazy. Seriously I bring them home, she wears them for a week. Then one day I pull them out of the dryer and she has a needle point sized hole in the knee and by the end of the day... bam. It's the size of Texas. A gigantic hole that screams out to the world, "Your mother obviously doesn't love you and the proof is right there in your pants!" The thing is I am tired of keeping up with the holes. I have decided to boycott purchasing pants! I am resigning my pride and allowing all those moms who love their kids enough to have them wear holeless pants to think what they will. To go ahead and let them know that I am a mother who is fed up with excessively inferior pants and I will continue to have my daughter wear shorts until someone makes a pair of fairly inexpensive sturdy pants...
either then or until fall. Which ever one comes first. Somehow I have a feeling it will be the ladder.

***Edited: Jonas came home after school with a hole the size of Cali in his jeans. There was no hole before school. He cannot say what happened either. Interesting how that always works.

She Wears the Crown in the Family

I was always a bit scared to have a daughter. If you know me, you probably know why. I am not the girliest girl. I have five brothers for crying out loud. I didn't shop at the mall. In fact, I can't remember that I ever set foot in one for personal shopping purposes. I didn't like the color pink. I didn't wear make up. I didn't even blow dry my hair!
But when news hit me that I was in fact to have a daughter, I began to be excited. I thought of what a cute little tomboy I was going to have! What a great soccer player she would be! And I began to hunt at the stores for non pink baby girl items (That proved to be almost impossible), because surely my daughter will not like pink; I don't like pink, and kids learn from their parents, right?
Wrong.
My daughter came out with a passionate, devoted, undying love for pink and sparkles and barbies and princesses and all things girl. She would never turn down a chance to shop. She could spend hours in the changing room. If she could, she would cover the world in pink and purple glitter and dance through life with a tiara permanently super glued to her head. I try to tame this urge in her, I really do. But the girl has to be who she is.
I am trying to teach her that there is more in the world than clothes and barbies and that her closet doesn't have to look like someone vomited pink. I buy other colors of shirts that are accented with pink in hopes that one day when she is getting dressed she will look and say, "Blue is a nice color too; I think I will wear this today." I teach her how to trap a soccer ball. I try to tell her that clothes and make up don't make you beautiful, who you are does. I think she hears me; at least I hope she does.
While I do a lot of teaching, I find I am also doing a lot of learning. She is teaching me that it's OK to be girly and it can even be a little bit fun! I even gravitate towards pink now... on my own. I even bought my first pair of high heels... (well they are high wedges, but close enough). She gives me fashion advice and tells me when I need to be eliminating something from my wardrobe.
Once I had a batch of her clothes in the dryer and asked if we could do her hair while we were waiting for the clothes to dry. She looked at my like I had worms coming out of my ears and said in a most horrified voice, "Mom, I can't do my hair yet!!" To which I, rather confused, asked her why. Her reply was, "MOM! How you do your hair depends on which outfit you are wearing!" Oh.
I was like, "Really? I never knew that!" So I didn't do her hair until she had picked an outfit. But for days I was haunted by this little exchange. First of all, how did my five year old know the word "outfit"? At least it wasn't "ensemble", but still. And was this really a rule? I mean if it was, and it sounded real to me, how would she possibly know this? Then I began to panic. Soon pigtails and braids won't be enough. Soon she will want a french braid (which I cannot do), or something I have never heard of. What will I do then? Well, I love this little girl unconditionally. So I will learn. Although I doubt it is in my power, I will learn.
But I am telling you, if I go through all this work, you better believe that when the hospital calls to tell me that they made a mistake and switched 2 baby girls 5 years ago, you better believe I am keeping the one I have.

Wiping His Slate Clean

Am I old enough to have a son this big? Is my son really this big? Why did time suddenly decide to move quicker than I am ready for? I am not good with change, so any milestone is always secretly a bit sad for me but honestly, this one was nothing but sweet. Jonas was so excited, so ready and really so prepared. It was an amazing feeling to watch Brian and Jonas in the font. I was and am so proud of the two of them; who they are and the choices they have made to be the amazing men they are today!
After the baptism, Jonas came out and sat down in front of me, just grinning his head off. He turned around and whisper yelled, "MOM! I'M PERFECT!" Very sweet moment. The rest of the baptism was basically a blur due to the terrible two year old monster that was present. He managed to be entirely disruptive about 75% of the time, which is pretty good for him. He only grabbed his crotch and spit on the floor once, so we were proud of him for that. We will take our victories where we can get them around here.

Never say Never

Things I said I would never do before I became a mother... of three.

1. My kids would never go to school looking scroungy.

2. I would not let my kids have those school pictures with the hair that makes them look like a homeless kid on the street.

3. I would not take my kid to the store with what I call the "sucker face". You know, where they have a sticky face and little every single particle becomes a magnet towards the stickiness?

4. I would not let my kids have a pacifier if they were old enough to pull it out to speak. (this one still makes me laugh everytime. I actually thought that.)

5. I was sure my kids would wear pants. All day long.

6. I would not have those kids that scream hysterically in the store, while the mom is frantically looking searching through her purse for something, anything to shove at the kid to quiet him.

7. I never thought I would say "Because I said so" to my kids.

8. I never thought my house would look the way it does most of the time.

9. I never thought I would let my kids watch Spongebob.

10. I never thought I would walk around for weeks in flip flops when my 5 year old daughter has painted my toenails.

Also on my list of never thoughts? I never thought I would be mother of the year. And that is why I have not lost my mind permanently.

What is your "I never thought" ?