The last Gratitude post, I promise: Hailey

Anyone who knows this girl, knows she is a girl through and through. Anyone who knows me, knows how I have needed some help in this department. I think Hailey came to me to ignite my desire to get in touch with the girly side buried within me.
And I think she has done a great job.
Since I have a had my daughter in my life I have had a few pedicures, began waxing my eyebrows, grew to see pink for the lovely color it is, and I have thrown a princess party. I understand that I still have things to work on (hair styles, a larger collection of purses or hand bags or whatever the fashionable way to say it is, and the whole enjoying shopping thing), but the point is Hailey is succeeding in her life's mission: making the world a more gloriously girly place to be.
But there is something more Hailey wants to accomplish; there is a desire deep within her to impart her wisdom elsewhere. Not to mom, not to friends, not to aunts or other family, but to a little sister.
Hailey is aching for an apprentice. Her very own little shadow that will look up to her and beg her to touch her pretty sparkly things on her special shelf. She wants someone who feels as passionately about barbie as she does. Someone who is her little princess.
Hailey is praying for the upcoming addition to our family to be a girl. In her lowest moments she has told me in despair that if I didn't make this baby a girl, she would never talk to me again.
While I want Hailey to have what I never did, a little sister to love and adore, and as much as I want to even the gender score in our house, I don't think it would be all that bad if that little girl doesn't come to us.
Hailey is my daughter. I am so grateful for her in my life. She is pure joy and light. She is my shadow and I am hers. She is my cuddle buddy. She is my shopping partner, my crafty friend, and my baby shower enthusiast. While she may not always want me there, I will be. While she may not always want to tell me, I am here to listen. While she may grow to be embarrassed of me, I will always be proud of her, my daughter.
Hailey has filled my cup of expectations for a daughter. Adding another one would just be extra icing on the cake.
Now, if someone could explain that to an almost 6 year old...

What's up with me lately, part 3

My mom is doing her usual visit to the bathroom after breakfast, seriously I do not know why she bothers eating... anyway I thought I would let you know what's been going on with me lately. I have taken "terrible twos" to completely new levels. I have been really hitting it out of the park.
First off, there's the screaming.

I mean at the TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!! I really had no idea the effect screaming this loud had on people. It really stops them dead in their tracks. I am wondering why grown ups don't try this more often. Its really very cathartic. (I can use that word 'cuz I'm exceptionally smart for a 2 year old; Okay, I'm a genius.)
Then there is the climbing. Now I know you know I have been doing this for quite some time, but recently I have discovered how to climb onto this:

the entertainment center. I then quickly discovered that the DVD player is up there!! In the time it took my mom to shower, I had figured out how to change DVDs. This really ticks my mom off because apparently I "scratch the DVDs". But hey, no one's perfect, right?

Last you heard from me, I was really into spitting.

This grew tiresome for me and I have decided to move on to punching people at really random times. The look on their faces as they try to figure out why i did it... oh it's good for the stomach muscles, let me tell you.

I have decided that I will no longer sleep. Now being as smart as I know I am, I realize this seems impossible. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try, right?

I mean, determination is what gets you anywhere in life. I wish my mother could see this quality for the gem that it is. One day I just know she will.
Peace out y'all.
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*Gratitude post 6- caleb
As much as this little monster drives me crazy at times, how could you not love a little man this cunning and cute? At the very least, he provides me with a lot of entertainment.

Gratitude post 5: Jonas

Last week Jonas participated in his first Pinewood Derby. Fortunately for me, I have a husband that I could hand the block of wood to and tell him to make a car out of it. Unfortunately for Jonas, he has a dad that is gone most Saturdays and most nights so that actual car making took place the night before. It looked really good, but as far as how it would race, well, we had our doubts.
It didn't win. But it didn't loose either. That is really as parents all Brian and I hope for our children: middle of the pack. We were satisfied. Jonas was satisfied. Caleb was in car heaven. Hailey was running around playing with all the other sisters who were like, so not into cars.
At the end of the race the man in charge asked all the boys to go give their mothers a hug and a kiss. The boy Scouts are big on this with moms. Every pack meeting I go to, moms are getting hugs and kisses and pins and all sorts of gushy goodness.
Only my son doesn't participate in this part. All the other boys ran to their moms, some gave quick embarrassed pecks on the cheek, some were unabashed and held their moms for a good minute.
Mine? Well he sauntered over, looked at me and said, "It's not happening, mom."
And like I said, we have been through this before so I didn't push the matter.
But after I tucked him in bed that night, Jonas must have been thinking about his lack of PDA for me, because he got out of bed, came and found me and gave me a big old hug and said,
"I love you, Mom.... (pause) I just can't in public."
Today I am grateful for a big soft hearted boy that loves me and can tell me.
Even if it is in secret.

Gratitude post 4: Qwest for perfection

My husband and I have had our share of disagreements. We have the standing disagreements like whether Rush Limbaugh is the biggest annoying hypocrite to walk the face of the earth or a wise and educated man (he's not!). Whether or not to have guns in our home is one that creeps up every now and then; there are also more important disagreements like which way the toilet paper roll goes on the hanger, and exactly what daily actions and tasks deserve a back massage.(that's a big one).
Our first fight was on our way home from our honeymoon. I was starting to stress over all that needed to be done to put our house in order and started rattling off a list of things we needed to buy in order to make that happen. This however, sent Brian in a panic, thinking I was going to bankrupt us by buying cleaning supplies, a mop, a broom, other necessities. He freaked out (for lack of a better term), saying, "We are not going to buy a broom! We don't need it!"
I was like, "um.. ya we do! How am I supposed to clean the 4 inches of dirt off that kitchen floor?!"
The argument got bigger until one of us, I don't remember who (brian), conceded. I bought my broom and all was well.
The point is, This last week of posting has been really nice for me to celebrate all the little things about my marriage that I love and enjoy. But I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of my husband or marriage. He is not the picture perfect husband. I am not the picture perfect wife (though I think we all know that by now), and our marriage isn't perfect. It's not even close. But we try. We laugh. We learn. We confide, and we enjoy. We do all the little things... and that is what fills me with joy. I am eternally grateful and thankful for my life, my children, and especially my husband.
Even if he seriously needs to clip his toenails.

Gratitude post 3: A little give and a little take

Like I stated a few posts ago, my husband and I had rather different upbringings. His favorite movies were spaghetti westerns, Man from Snowy River, and all the macho action movies like Rambo and Rocky and anything else with lots of ammunition firing around. My favorites were slightly different; ordinary people, the secret of roan inish, sense and sensibility.... the list goes on. Of course we did have our neutral ground movies: Fletch, Better off Dead, Princess Bride, Happy Gilmore... But when I wanted something with substance, I was on my own.
Once I tried to get Brian to watch Steel Magnolias. I just remember LOVING this scene. I wanted to show him the incredible acting and the honesty depth of that moment. He didn't make it past the first 15 minutes.
He tried to get me to watch several john Wayne or Clint Eastwood movies. I was promptly asleep before the first sound of gunfire.
But I have been successful on occasion. I have coaxed him into a few foreign films, and independent films that he has come to enjoy.
But when it comes to Jane Austen, well, I just knew I would never see that day. And I accepted that. But this last weekend Brian said to me,
"How would you like to put the kids to bed and watch Pride and Prejudice tonight?"
After I realized that their was no punch line, I frantically searched his eyes for some sign that aliens did indeed exist and they had come and taken my husband away from me. They had not. He was serious. I replied quickly yes, before he could rescind his offer. I ran to get the movie. (OK in my delicate state running would have induced the V word so really by running I went walking very quickly) I found the movie, got blankets, and ice water. I cracked the case open and the disc was gone.
It was nowhere to be found.
I plan on trying to rent it soon, by I just hope his moment of generosity will have not passed.
So anyway, today I am grateful for a husband who cares enough to try and watch the chick flicks with me; even if he knows he won't enjoy himself in the very least. He knows I will.

gratitude post 2 : perspective

8 years, 7 months, and 7 days ago I became a mother. A young one. I was 21 by a hair. I was thrilled, in love, and terrified all at the same time. I wanted this little baby, I knew I needed him and he needed me. On the drive home from the hospital, as we pulled into the driveway however, I could not face that I was going in my house as a mother. I was scared to be alone without the help of nurses or mothers. I told Brian to drive to his parents house. So we spent a few hours there before I could work up the courage to go home to my new life.
I did go home eventually. Brian went back to work and I set out to be the perfect mother.
Only it didn't work.
I clipped his fingernail and made him bleed.
I couldn't get him to nurse.
I couldn't get him to sleep anywhere but in my arms.
I was tired and not always happy.
So I drew my conclusion: I was not the perfect mother I was supposed to be. I totally wasn't my mom. I never saw her go through this. She seemed to handle everything as a mother like it was a walk in the park. So I figured I would just try harder.
Brian fit right into fatherhood. He did all the right things; he knew all the right things to say.
I felt like a square beg in a round hole.
One night I was overwhelmed and just sort of broke down. I vented to Brian that I wasn't being a good mom. I was failing. I couldn't make bread! I could barely make dinner! I slept in the day! I fed my baby formula! I made him bleed! And the biggest guilty secret of all: I wanted a break!
Brian, trying not look at me like I had worms crawling out of my ears, said very calmly,
"I think every mom feels this way."
To which I promptly told him that no, he was in fact wrong. My mother NEVER acted this way.
To which he promptly replied, "You are not your mom. I didn't marry your mom. I married you. Melanie. Do you remember her? I think you need to go out and do something. Take a break from the baby. You will feel better."
I did. I went out with some friend, (likely one of you that is reading this now), and I felt better. I felt like Melanie again. The only difference was that I added a child to my life. My husband's peptalk made me realize that becoming a mother didn't mean I had to loose myself and be my mom. I just needed to be Melanie the mom and everything would work out.
And it has.
My children are perfect and brilliant and I no longer make any mistakes.
Ok, so that's not exactly true... but I am comfortable in my role and I have my husband to thank in helping me get there. I am grateful for his way to talk me down from a ledge. Every single time. And for his willingness to let me take the breaks when I need them.
Oh and I need them.

gratitude post: a little peace

I know I promised to stop writing the V word (vomit) and I still have every intention of doing so, I am just waiting for my body to stop along with me. My kids have grown very comfortable with me and the V word. It has become quite a commonplace occurrence around the house. There is nothing alarming to my children to walk in the bathroom to see me over the toilet losing some meal. They Usually try to begin a conversation about their day or something funny they saw on TV all the while with their mom gagging and faintly nodding her head...
and you are very welcome for the visual. Hey, I aim to please.
This weekend Brian was home (sort of) and upon our arrival home one evening I dropped everything I was carrying, telling him I had to hurry upstairs for a little one on one with le toilet. So, I was in there loosing something and I hear my kids following my trail up the stairs jabbering about something or other and one of them says, "Lets ask mom... blah blah blah"
For once can't I just throw up in peace? I grumbled silently to myself.
Then as the kids are reaching the door I hear Brian call up from below,
"Hey guys, don't go in there. Your mom is throwing up. Leave her alone for a minute."
To which there was a long pause then, "okay."

Thanks to my husband, I was able to, for once, throw up in peace.
I realize that is a very large contradiction in terms. But it felt like peace to me.

So today I am thankful for a husband who understands that sometimes a pregnant mom and her toilet just need to be left alone.

Top of my Gratitude list

I married someone who grew up watching John Wayne movies. And rode horses. And camped multiple times a year. And listened to Willie Nelson, y'all.
I grew up watching musicals like Pirates of Penzance. We never camped. We listened to the three tenors and we discussed things like who does the best best jean val jean and who is the best Fantine. (For those of you who lean more to my husband's adolescence, these would be characters from the best play/musical ever to grace the world, Les Miserables).
When we met each other at the ripe old age of 16 and 17, he was not the cowboy he was in childhood, and I did not reflect the polite and refined ideals instilled within me. We were finding ourselves with purple and orange hair dye, slap bracelets, and shirts worn backwards and inside out and music by Weezer, Smashing Pumpkins, and Reel Big Fish. We became instant friends. We stayed this way. Even when I denied his romantic advances and he wanted to shake some sense into my head, we stayed friends. When he returned from his mission and he was really very strange, we stayed friends. After we married and I very quickly became pregnant and rather hormonal (he would say monsterous), we stayed friends. Through financial woes, school woes, children woes, life woes, we have stayed friends.
One day a few years back, I got in the car. He had set his own radio pre-sets. And almost every one of them were COUNTRY stations. Country music?? My head was spinning, my world upside down. But we stayed friends. I have even bought him a Willie Nelson CD and a few Johnny Cash albums the past few years. See how we roll? We support each other. When Les Miserables came years ago, my family all rabidly ran to the box office to purchase tickets, and he did not get it. But he came. And he grew to love it.
Through all our differences we have stayed friends. Of all the things I am grateful for this year, my friendship with my husband, my BFF, is on the very tip top of my list. And that is what I am going to focus my posts on this week: all the little things about my marriage that fill my life with peace and joy.
Minus the Willie Nelson.

Dealing with it.... sort of

You know those times in life where you cannot possibly juggle everything on your plate? I know you do, we've all had them; chances are you are struggling with it right now. If you are not, good for you; and gear up. Your time will be coming shortly. Back to the point, I am in that phase of life and I have decided today that are some things I will deal with this weekend and some things I will drop. Here is my list.

Here are the things I am not willing to deal with today:

1. Throwing up. I have decided I am no longer going to do it. I am just waiting for my body to agree.

2. My kids room. It looks like the Toy and Clothing monster ate too much and blew chunks all over the room. I think I will just close the door.

3. My van. I can barely see through the sticky fingerprints on the back windows. There are little leaves, bits of paper, and little toys occupying space in every nook and cranny. And something smells very old. I don't want to know what it is.

4. The fact that Saturday used to be a fun day and instead is now the day where Brian has his marathon 8 hour class. Oh and then he has lovely 8 hour BYU games. (okay the game time is slightly exaggerated.)

Here are the things I am willing to deal with today:

1. Blogging. Hooray! I have never gone 2 weeks without blogging since I started, and I am determined to post way more often seeing as how I will no longer be sick. (see above)

2. Laundry! Maybe it is just that we are all on our last pair of everything, but I am getting it ALL DONE tonight if it kills me. And it just may.

3. The Christmas tree. I have got it up and going and I am determined to have it all finished tonight. Why so early you ask? Because I am not a decorator, and it takes a long time to put up all that crap and I am not about to put it up for a mere few weeks.

4. Crafting with Bri. We have lots of seasonal stuff stirring around in our heads and I am itching to finally finish a project.

5. Christmas shopping. Braving the malls? No, no no. I am not a shopper. I am talking about online shopping. Bless the people at amazon. Bless them and their free shipping.

Here's to you and all the balls you are juggling. May you be as successful at dropping some of them and turning a blind eye, as I have been.