2008 the ups and the downs

2008 was the year...
I started with a small list of goals:
1. take a picture a day for 365 days.
2. loose weight.
3. organize junk drawers.
4. study gospel manuals.

2008 was the year...
I ended with
1. an unfinished photo project.
2. weight gain.
3. junk drawers still full of junk.
4. gospel manual studies collecting dust.

the moral: new years resolutions are not my thing.

the upside of 2008:

- a daughter realizing her dream of starting kindergarten.
- a son getting baptized
- a husband graduating college.
- a little boy graduating to a toddler bed and converting to the English language (as opposed to his native tongue of Calebese)
- a mom discovering the Internet and her love of blogging
- a family of 5 evening things out by starting to become a family of six
(gender yet to be determined)

2008 was a pretty good year... vomit, fatness, insane college courses, and all.
But I am willing to bet that 2009 is going to be even better.

Birthday girl

Six years ago, my daughter came to brighten up my world.
Since day one she has made me laugh.
Made me cry.
Made me sing.
Made me learn.
Made me grow.
Made me happy.
She is a light that doesn't dim,
a star that will always shine.

Happy Birthday, Lilo.
Six looks good on you.

the better view

Shortly after our little Hailey was born almost 6 years ago to the day, Brian decided it was time to take on college. I was, as usual, the loving and helpful support that you all know me to be. At first it was a class or two, just what we could work around school. After a year or so we realized that it would take 10 years to graduate at the rate we were going. So we made major changes; (i.e. sell our home, and move in with parents, work part time and be broke...) and as time went on, the pressure increased the time with Brian decreased and my wonderful supportiveness (yes, I am aware that this is not a word, but this is my blog and I make the rules) turned to grumpy complaints. I could hardly imagine the day when we operated like other families; the light at the end of the tunnel was there, I was sure it was, but we were too far to see.
Recently that light has been in view and we have been clinging to it as a family. We have made all sorts of statements that begin with, "When dad is done with school...".
Tuesday, wonderful Tuesday of this week, we stepped into the light. Brian took his last final. He made his last drive from Provo. He sold his last book. He is done with school.
That sounds really nice. I would like to say that again.
Brian is done with school.
We celebrated in a style with dinner out to an expensive fancy restaurant and weekend getaway to a fancy hotel/spa where we pampered ourselves with massages and other spa treatments. We ended the festivities with a shopping spree from all the money we have growing on our money tree in the back yard.
Then I woke up.
We actually celebrated by me attending mutual and Brian hanging out with the kids. Then I came home and we ate a late night dinner and watched people loose massive amounts of weight. (biggest loser finale). We are so cool.
As lack luster as our celebration was, it was real and it was good. As a family, we are enjoying the better view of life with a father and a husband. We could really get used to this. And I think we will.

This too shall pass...

It did. It passed. Well kind of. I just thought it was post worthy: I have not thrown up in four days. I have wanted to, and I have come close, but four days, people. I am back in the land of the living.

I feel like I just won the super bowl.

And I am going to Disneyland.


(PS... if you are near some wood please knock on it.)

Tired

I have slacked a little on the blog this week. It's all this Christmas merriment and activities that just seem to have me running all different directions. But today I told myself, I am staying home, letting myself sit on the couch, feel sick, and finish some blankets I am making for the kids. Why? Because I am plain tired.

I am tired of shopping.
I know I shopped mostly online this year, but there are some things I still have to brave the crowds for, and I am not a fan of crowds. Or shopping that can't be done in 30 minutes or less.

I am tired of strawberry shortcake.
Surprisingly, my overload isn't coming from Hailey, but from Caleb. The child wants to watch her every day and shake his little booty to the music, and I AM NOT KIDDING. It was funny, until I went to bed singing strawberry shortcake songs and found myself telling the kids as they brushed their teeth that they did a "berry good job!" and that they are "berry special!" and on and on...

I am tired of showering with company.
Seriously, I am looking forward to next week when Brian's Saturday class is done and I can shower alone at least once in the week. With the door shut. The ENTIRE time. Sounds like Heaven...

I am tired of being a referee.
A lot of preparation takes place around this house for December. There is something for my kids to look forward to every day. Being the naive person I am, I think every year, if I am creative enough, happy enough, and organized enough, we will just have a merry little home all month long. Not perfect, just like, scream free. Or fist fight free. Or whine free. Or all of the above. Alas, it is never the case. And I find myself sending someone to their room and someone is inevitably pouting or tattling. Welcome to motherhood.

I am tired of being pregnant.
I know it is like, in the rule book that you are not allowed to complain until you are at least in your seventh month, but being that this go around was unexpected, I am calling in an exception. I don't know how people enjoy pregnancy. I truly believe it is here to make me miserable, but also to make me fully appreciate my children. You have to walk in the depths of despair to fully appreciate the light, or something like that. Anyway, I am anxiously awaiting May.

SIGH. Thanks for the vent session. Now's your chance: what are you tired of? Come on, let it out... you'll feel much better, I promise.

The last Gratitude post, I promise: Hailey

Anyone who knows this girl, knows she is a girl through and through. Anyone who knows me, knows how I have needed some help in this department. I think Hailey came to me to ignite my desire to get in touch with the girly side buried within me.
And I think she has done a great job.
Since I have a had my daughter in my life I have had a few pedicures, began waxing my eyebrows, grew to see pink for the lovely color it is, and I have thrown a princess party. I understand that I still have things to work on (hair styles, a larger collection of purses or hand bags or whatever the fashionable way to say it is, and the whole enjoying shopping thing), but the point is Hailey is succeeding in her life's mission: making the world a more gloriously girly place to be.
But there is something more Hailey wants to accomplish; there is a desire deep within her to impart her wisdom elsewhere. Not to mom, not to friends, not to aunts or other family, but to a little sister.
Hailey is aching for an apprentice. Her very own little shadow that will look up to her and beg her to touch her pretty sparkly things on her special shelf. She wants someone who feels as passionately about barbie as she does. Someone who is her little princess.
Hailey is praying for the upcoming addition to our family to be a girl. In her lowest moments she has told me in despair that if I didn't make this baby a girl, she would never talk to me again.
While I want Hailey to have what I never did, a little sister to love and adore, and as much as I want to even the gender score in our house, I don't think it would be all that bad if that little girl doesn't come to us.
Hailey is my daughter. I am so grateful for her in my life. She is pure joy and light. She is my shadow and I am hers. She is my cuddle buddy. She is my shopping partner, my crafty friend, and my baby shower enthusiast. While she may not always want me there, I will be. While she may not always want to tell me, I am here to listen. While she may grow to be embarrassed of me, I will always be proud of her, my daughter.
Hailey has filled my cup of expectations for a daughter. Adding another one would just be extra icing on the cake.
Now, if someone could explain that to an almost 6 year old...

What's up with me lately, part 3

My mom is doing her usual visit to the bathroom after breakfast, seriously I do not know why she bothers eating... anyway I thought I would let you know what's been going on with me lately. I have taken "terrible twos" to completely new levels. I have been really hitting it out of the park.
First off, there's the screaming.

I mean at the TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!! I really had no idea the effect screaming this loud had on people. It really stops them dead in their tracks. I am wondering why grown ups don't try this more often. Its really very cathartic. (I can use that word 'cuz I'm exceptionally smart for a 2 year old; Okay, I'm a genius.)
Then there is the climbing. Now I know you know I have been doing this for quite some time, but recently I have discovered how to climb onto this:

the entertainment center. I then quickly discovered that the DVD player is up there!! In the time it took my mom to shower, I had figured out how to change DVDs. This really ticks my mom off because apparently I "scratch the DVDs". But hey, no one's perfect, right?

Last you heard from me, I was really into spitting.

This grew tiresome for me and I have decided to move on to punching people at really random times. The look on their faces as they try to figure out why i did it... oh it's good for the stomach muscles, let me tell you.

I have decided that I will no longer sleep. Now being as smart as I know I am, I realize this seems impossible. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try, right?

I mean, determination is what gets you anywhere in life. I wish my mother could see this quality for the gem that it is. One day I just know she will.
Peace out y'all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Gratitude post 6- caleb
As much as this little monster drives me crazy at times, how could you not love a little man this cunning and cute? At the very least, he provides me with a lot of entertainment.

Gratitude post 5: Jonas

Last week Jonas participated in his first Pinewood Derby. Fortunately for me, I have a husband that I could hand the block of wood to and tell him to make a car out of it. Unfortunately for Jonas, he has a dad that is gone most Saturdays and most nights so that actual car making took place the night before. It looked really good, but as far as how it would race, well, we had our doubts.
It didn't win. But it didn't loose either. That is really as parents all Brian and I hope for our children: middle of the pack. We were satisfied. Jonas was satisfied. Caleb was in car heaven. Hailey was running around playing with all the other sisters who were like, so not into cars.
At the end of the race the man in charge asked all the boys to go give their mothers a hug and a kiss. The boy Scouts are big on this with moms. Every pack meeting I go to, moms are getting hugs and kisses and pins and all sorts of gushy goodness.
Only my son doesn't participate in this part. All the other boys ran to their moms, some gave quick embarrassed pecks on the cheek, some were unabashed and held their moms for a good minute.
Mine? Well he sauntered over, looked at me and said, "It's not happening, mom."
And like I said, we have been through this before so I didn't push the matter.
But after I tucked him in bed that night, Jonas must have been thinking about his lack of PDA for me, because he got out of bed, came and found me and gave me a big old hug and said,
"I love you, Mom.... (pause) I just can't in public."
Today I am grateful for a big soft hearted boy that loves me and can tell me.
Even if it is in secret.

Gratitude post 4: Qwest for perfection

My husband and I have had our share of disagreements. We have the standing disagreements like whether Rush Limbaugh is the biggest annoying hypocrite to walk the face of the earth or a wise and educated man (he's not!). Whether or not to have guns in our home is one that creeps up every now and then; there are also more important disagreements like which way the toilet paper roll goes on the hanger, and exactly what daily actions and tasks deserve a back massage.(that's a big one).
Our first fight was on our way home from our honeymoon. I was starting to stress over all that needed to be done to put our house in order and started rattling off a list of things we needed to buy in order to make that happen. This however, sent Brian in a panic, thinking I was going to bankrupt us by buying cleaning supplies, a mop, a broom, other necessities. He freaked out (for lack of a better term), saying, "We are not going to buy a broom! We don't need it!"
I was like, "um.. ya we do! How am I supposed to clean the 4 inches of dirt off that kitchen floor?!"
The argument got bigger until one of us, I don't remember who (brian), conceded. I bought my broom and all was well.
The point is, This last week of posting has been really nice for me to celebrate all the little things about my marriage that I love and enjoy. But I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of my husband or marriage. He is not the picture perfect husband. I am not the picture perfect wife (though I think we all know that by now), and our marriage isn't perfect. It's not even close. But we try. We laugh. We learn. We confide, and we enjoy. We do all the little things... and that is what fills me with joy. I am eternally grateful and thankful for my life, my children, and especially my husband.
Even if he seriously needs to clip his toenails.

Gratitude post 3: A little give and a little take

Like I stated a few posts ago, my husband and I had rather different upbringings. His favorite movies were spaghetti westerns, Man from Snowy River, and all the macho action movies like Rambo and Rocky and anything else with lots of ammunition firing around. My favorites were slightly different; ordinary people, the secret of roan inish, sense and sensibility.... the list goes on. Of course we did have our neutral ground movies: Fletch, Better off Dead, Princess Bride, Happy Gilmore... But when I wanted something with substance, I was on my own.
Once I tried to get Brian to watch Steel Magnolias. I just remember LOVING this scene. I wanted to show him the incredible acting and the honesty depth of that moment. He didn't make it past the first 15 minutes.
He tried to get me to watch several john Wayne or Clint Eastwood movies. I was promptly asleep before the first sound of gunfire.
But I have been successful on occasion. I have coaxed him into a few foreign films, and independent films that he has come to enjoy.
But when it comes to Jane Austen, well, I just knew I would never see that day. And I accepted that. But this last weekend Brian said to me,
"How would you like to put the kids to bed and watch Pride and Prejudice tonight?"
After I realized that their was no punch line, I frantically searched his eyes for some sign that aliens did indeed exist and they had come and taken my husband away from me. They had not. He was serious. I replied quickly yes, before he could rescind his offer. I ran to get the movie. (OK in my delicate state running would have induced the V word so really by running I went walking very quickly) I found the movie, got blankets, and ice water. I cracked the case open and the disc was gone.
It was nowhere to be found.
I plan on trying to rent it soon, by I just hope his moment of generosity will have not passed.
So anyway, today I am grateful for a husband who cares enough to try and watch the chick flicks with me; even if he knows he won't enjoy himself in the very least. He knows I will.

gratitude post 2 : perspective

8 years, 7 months, and 7 days ago I became a mother. A young one. I was 21 by a hair. I was thrilled, in love, and terrified all at the same time. I wanted this little baby, I knew I needed him and he needed me. On the drive home from the hospital, as we pulled into the driveway however, I could not face that I was going in my house as a mother. I was scared to be alone without the help of nurses or mothers. I told Brian to drive to his parents house. So we spent a few hours there before I could work up the courage to go home to my new life.
I did go home eventually. Brian went back to work and I set out to be the perfect mother.
Only it didn't work.
I clipped his fingernail and made him bleed.
I couldn't get him to nurse.
I couldn't get him to sleep anywhere but in my arms.
I was tired and not always happy.
So I drew my conclusion: I was not the perfect mother I was supposed to be. I totally wasn't my mom. I never saw her go through this. She seemed to handle everything as a mother like it was a walk in the park. So I figured I would just try harder.
Brian fit right into fatherhood. He did all the right things; he knew all the right things to say.
I felt like a square beg in a round hole.
One night I was overwhelmed and just sort of broke down. I vented to Brian that I wasn't being a good mom. I was failing. I couldn't make bread! I could barely make dinner! I slept in the day! I fed my baby formula! I made him bleed! And the biggest guilty secret of all: I wanted a break!
Brian, trying not look at me like I had worms crawling out of my ears, said very calmly,
"I think every mom feels this way."
To which I promptly told him that no, he was in fact wrong. My mother NEVER acted this way.
To which he promptly replied, "You are not your mom. I didn't marry your mom. I married you. Melanie. Do you remember her? I think you need to go out and do something. Take a break from the baby. You will feel better."
I did. I went out with some friend, (likely one of you that is reading this now), and I felt better. I felt like Melanie again. The only difference was that I added a child to my life. My husband's peptalk made me realize that becoming a mother didn't mean I had to loose myself and be my mom. I just needed to be Melanie the mom and everything would work out.
And it has.
My children are perfect and brilliant and I no longer make any mistakes.
Ok, so that's not exactly true... but I am comfortable in my role and I have my husband to thank in helping me get there. I am grateful for his way to talk me down from a ledge. Every single time. And for his willingness to let me take the breaks when I need them.
Oh and I need them.

gratitude post: a little peace

I know I promised to stop writing the V word (vomit) and I still have every intention of doing so, I am just waiting for my body to stop along with me. My kids have grown very comfortable with me and the V word. It has become quite a commonplace occurrence around the house. There is nothing alarming to my children to walk in the bathroom to see me over the toilet losing some meal. They Usually try to begin a conversation about their day or something funny they saw on TV all the while with their mom gagging and faintly nodding her head...
and you are very welcome for the visual. Hey, I aim to please.
This weekend Brian was home (sort of) and upon our arrival home one evening I dropped everything I was carrying, telling him I had to hurry upstairs for a little one on one with le toilet. So, I was in there loosing something and I hear my kids following my trail up the stairs jabbering about something or other and one of them says, "Lets ask mom... blah blah blah"
For once can't I just throw up in peace? I grumbled silently to myself.
Then as the kids are reaching the door I hear Brian call up from below,
"Hey guys, don't go in there. Your mom is throwing up. Leave her alone for a minute."
To which there was a long pause then, "okay."

Thanks to my husband, I was able to, for once, throw up in peace.
I realize that is a very large contradiction in terms. But it felt like peace to me.

So today I am thankful for a husband who understands that sometimes a pregnant mom and her toilet just need to be left alone.

Top of my Gratitude list

I married someone who grew up watching John Wayne movies. And rode horses. And camped multiple times a year. And listened to Willie Nelson, y'all.
I grew up watching musicals like Pirates of Penzance. We never camped. We listened to the three tenors and we discussed things like who does the best best jean val jean and who is the best Fantine. (For those of you who lean more to my husband's adolescence, these would be characters from the best play/musical ever to grace the world, Les Miserables).
When we met each other at the ripe old age of 16 and 17, he was not the cowboy he was in childhood, and I did not reflect the polite and refined ideals instilled within me. We were finding ourselves with purple and orange hair dye, slap bracelets, and shirts worn backwards and inside out and music by Weezer, Smashing Pumpkins, and Reel Big Fish. We became instant friends. We stayed this way. Even when I denied his romantic advances and he wanted to shake some sense into my head, we stayed friends. When he returned from his mission and he was really very strange, we stayed friends. After we married and I very quickly became pregnant and rather hormonal (he would say monsterous), we stayed friends. Through financial woes, school woes, children woes, life woes, we have stayed friends.
One day a few years back, I got in the car. He had set his own radio pre-sets. And almost every one of them were COUNTRY stations. Country music?? My head was spinning, my world upside down. But we stayed friends. I have even bought him a Willie Nelson CD and a few Johnny Cash albums the past few years. See how we roll? We support each other. When Les Miserables came years ago, my family all rabidly ran to the box office to purchase tickets, and he did not get it. But he came. And he grew to love it.
Through all our differences we have stayed friends. Of all the things I am grateful for this year, my friendship with my husband, my BFF, is on the very tip top of my list. And that is what I am going to focus my posts on this week: all the little things about my marriage that fill my life with peace and joy.
Minus the Willie Nelson.

Dealing with it.... sort of

You know those times in life where you cannot possibly juggle everything on your plate? I know you do, we've all had them; chances are you are struggling with it right now. If you are not, good for you; and gear up. Your time will be coming shortly. Back to the point, I am in that phase of life and I have decided today that are some things I will deal with this weekend and some things I will drop. Here is my list.

Here are the things I am not willing to deal with today:

1. Throwing up. I have decided I am no longer going to do it. I am just waiting for my body to agree.

2. My kids room. It looks like the Toy and Clothing monster ate too much and blew chunks all over the room. I think I will just close the door.

3. My van. I can barely see through the sticky fingerprints on the back windows. There are little leaves, bits of paper, and little toys occupying space in every nook and cranny. And something smells very old. I don't want to know what it is.

4. The fact that Saturday used to be a fun day and instead is now the day where Brian has his marathon 8 hour class. Oh and then he has lovely 8 hour BYU games. (okay the game time is slightly exaggerated.)

Here are the things I am willing to deal with today:

1. Blogging. Hooray! I have never gone 2 weeks without blogging since I started, and I am determined to post way more often seeing as how I will no longer be sick. (see above)

2. Laundry! Maybe it is just that we are all on our last pair of everything, but I am getting it ALL DONE tonight if it kills me. And it just may.

3. The Christmas tree. I have got it up and going and I am determined to have it all finished tonight. Why so early you ask? Because I am not a decorator, and it takes a long time to put up all that crap and I am not about to put it up for a mere few weeks.

4. Crafting with Bri. We have lots of seasonal stuff stirring around in our heads and I am itching to finally finish a project.

5. Christmas shopping. Braving the malls? No, no no. I am not a shopper. I am talking about online shopping. Bless the people at amazon. Bless them and their free shipping.

Here's to you and all the balls you are juggling. May you be as successful at dropping some of them and turning a blind eye, as I have been.

my desires today

1. this drink:



2. to not have to change another poopy diaper in my lifetime.
3. to return to my daily routine.
4. for the laundry fairy to hurry up and come already.
5. to not have to learn a disco routine for young women's tonight.
6. to go to bed and to wake up feeling well.
7. to go to bed and to wake up skinner.
8. for the presidential elections to just hurry up and end to put me out of my misery.
9. to remember what it was like to have a good blog post idea.
10. to see less of this:

anxiously awaiting...

Until approximately December 16th, my family's husband/daddy time is very sparse. What with the mere 21 credits , full time work as a construction manager, a church calling, BYU games, and manly lawn mowing, horse feeding, and light bulb changing responsibilities around the home... there is just not that much time left. But we still manage to squeeze in our family time wherever possible. Mostly that is spent on the weekends.
This week and this weekend Brian has been and will be at a work conference thingy in lovely Arizona. So, the kids and I are on our own.

There are a few downsides to having Brian gone:

1. I feel very creepy and strange laughing out loud to the Office all by myself.
2. The kids expect party central 24-7.
3. No one has a worse day than me to make me feel much better than my little situation.
4. No one comes home at night to relay funny daily mishaps like his headlight randomly flying off on the freeway then his car conveniently overheating on his way to a midterm.

But it's not all bad... There is a bright side; like:

1. No cooking for me! This is especially appreciated right now as I am in the middle of the every-smell-makes-me-vomit stage in my pregnancy.
2. A smaller, much quieter bed buddy. (i.e. Hailey doesn't snore near as loud)
3. Seeing how much the kids miss him.
4. Getting the chance to leave him really dorky messages on his cell in the hopes that he will listen to them and laugh out loud at a really inappropriate time.
5. Knowing he's getting a vacation from a sick and complaining wife!!

But with all that said, we can't wait until Sunday!

disturbing...

I was feeling very sick this afternoon. Shocking, yes. Oh, and I swear this is the last post I will complain, but honestly it's all I am about as of late. But anyway, I decided I just needed to take a nap and see if I could sleep it off. Hailey was watching some Nick Jr. while I dozed.
As her show ended, something very loud and obnoxious roused me from sleep.



This was disturbing to me on many levels. It also made me ponder a few things...

First, who is the guy in orange and what is on his head? Does he realize his head looks more cone like than my babies after they spend entirely too much time in the birth canal?

Remember the day when Barney was the weirdest thing around? What are they trying to do to our children?

Why doesn't the monster chew his food? Or swallow things like bones?

Isn't it a little creepy that his food is talking to him and he is more than happy to devour it?

And did it, or did it not make your stomach queasy?

Pregnant and sick, or not....
that was not what I wanted to wake up to.

in sickness...

Being sick puts you in this thick fog. The world goes on without you and sometimes the fog clears enough for you to see through it and peek in on the rest of the world. I have very foggy times and I have clear times; all in the space of a day. As much as I hate being sick, what I really hate is not being the same mom, wife, advisor, friend, sister, blogger, that I want to be. So until that moment comes where I am able to rejoin the world and welcome myself back to normalcy, I have to be grateful for little things.
Thing like:


My kids telling me to go lay in the bed they will take care of things. Then coming out to find chip crumbs all over the couch, toys covering every inch of carpet, and water droplets all over the floor from the pedicures they decided to give each other.


Or like the husband who can rarely physically be here, giving me flowers and the beloved DP so he provide a reminder of his moral support.
Or sweet moments from the resident monster.



After watching me throw up in the toilet and asking me 100 times if I was sick and me constantly affirming that yes, in fact mommy is sick, he grabs my hand, leads me to the couch. He tells me to be right back. He comes back proudly with his offering of a very dirty, but much beloved blanket and pacifier. He pushes them at my face and says, "Here. Now don't cry, k?" I take the blanket (try to ignore how gross it is) give him a kiss, and do my best not to cry at how much I love all the little thoughtful moments my family showers me with.
I can live with a little throwing up when I have these people around me.

sorry folks...

I am having trouble with the motivation required to blog lately...
Why?
1. my frequent urge to vomit.
2. my pregnancy induced narcolepsy.
3. the lack of anything going on in my home to write about other than 1 and 2.
4. my general overwhelmed state of mind as of late.

I have however had very strange dreams. Most of them are pretty uninteresting, but just know they almost always include something as strange as this:




pregnancy... isn't is wonderful?

joyful mother moments

Today, Jonas came home with a map he drew at school of important places in the city; places like the firehouse, hospital, the school... But what got me was the little building in the top left corner:Target.
You know, as a mother you work so hard to make sure your kids have their priorities straight. It's just really nice when you see the fruits of your labors, ya know?

riding the waves

Changes come at me like small but very fierce ocean waves. Most of the time, the wave knocks me flat, spins me around, turns me upside down and leaves me there to figure out which direction I had been heading before it came to grace me with it's presence. I struggle with change. Almost every single one. I like to buy the same hand soap every month and suddenly: bam! It's discontinued.
What? Now I have to go through the whole dramatic process of finding a not too soapy and not too fruity smelling soap that is also foamy. And what if I get one that is gross smelling and have to use it day after day hating the smell of my hands?
I am strange, yes. But imagine this is your life whenever change comes to you... Sympathy granted? I think so.
Even when the change is good, like my husband graduating in December, I find myself wondering and worrying about what that is going to be like. Having a husband, like, come home? And maybe even help? I have to quickly shake those strange feelings out of my head because they are too foreign.
What really gets me are those unexpected changes. The big unexpected changes. Like pregnancy.
You see, pregnancy and me... we have a love hate relationship. I love when pregnancy leaves me it's last gift, i.e. my children, but I hate everything it gives me before. Like heartburn, the urge to vomit, my disdain for meat, vomit, the way it suddenly makes my husbands after shave smell like something that has been dead a very long time and in of a burial deep in the ground. oh, and the fatigue and the overwhelming urge to vomit.
Yes, that big change has come to us, and no matter how unprepared our little family was, we have to hold hands, let this thrilling but scary tidal wave of change pick us up throw us around and see what we get when we are on firmer ground.
Let's hope the vomiting will stop then.

the vicious cycle....

I have not posted in almost a week, how very unlike me. Actually, that is like me if I have had someone in my household who happens to be seriously ill. And I do. Me. OK well, not all that seriously, but if you haven't caught on to my tendency to lean towards dramatics yet, it's time, 'm kay? But I have been sick and discovered Friday it was the dreaded Strep throat. But it really felt like death. In between vomiting and chills and aches and a swollen, very sore throat, I kept wondering why, when mom is sick, does the world not stop? Why aren't husbands allowed to just drop their job or say, very important last semester and just kneel at your bedside and watch you writhe around in pain? And when you are the mother, who sits there and rubs your back just so you know someone is there? Who feeds the kids? Bathes them? Takes them to school and does homework when mom is sick? What? Me, you say? Grow up and take it like a mom, you say? Ouch, the truth hurts, Internet, it really does. I just wanted a little sympathy, that's all.
Today, after a few doses of antibiotics, I am feeling human again, and I even got my sympathy. I was advised to stay home from church and rest while my husband takes the kids. And I did just that. It felt really nice. I wonder when I will get to be sick again?

anyone else have this problem?

Friday Jonas walked home from school and walked in the door his face bright red, sweat streaming down his face. His back pack was on his front instead of his back. I asked him if he was OK... he grinned at me and dropping his back pack with a loud thunk he said, "ya." I said, "Let me see your back pack." I was looking for letters home to parents, homework, his planner... the usual. He told me casually that he found a rock for his collection. When I got a hold of his back pack I could barely lift it. What the heck is in here Jonas? I unzipped it to find his new rock:

A huge chunk of asphalt. THAT WEIGHED 18 POUNDS.

"Um... Jonas that's not a rock, that is road.... How did you carry this all the way home?
Beaming with pride, he said, "It was really heavy, but it's perfect for my collection!"

It has sat in the corner of his room all weekend,but when he gets home from school today it will have mysteriously disappeared. He will be upset, but for real, an 18 pound chunk of asphalt? I am not that cool a mom.

My question today, does your kid have that annoying thing they like to hang onto that needs to find it's way into oblivion?

Jonas is like a box of chocolates...

When this kid first went to school, he was over the moon excited. I was a ball of nerves. Would he be nervous not knowing anyone? Would he cry when I left him? Would he make friends? Would he follow the teacher's directions? He was bouncing up and down the whole ride to preschool. When I pulled up to the curb, he was out of his seat belt and opening the door when he abruptly froze. It had just dawned on him that I had turned off the ignition. And I was opening MY door. He turned and looked at me with eyes the size of golf balls and said in a completely appalled tone of voice,
"You aren't coming in with me, are you?"
After I swept up the shattered pieces of my heart I replied,
"Well, yes I am because your teacher is going to talk to the parents for a little bit."
He looked down, defeated. He though for a minute, sighed and then said,
"OK. But just don't sit by me."
Ouch.
It was from that point on that I knew I was never going to have that school moment with this particular child where I hug him and tell him I love him and to have a good day. Then he gives me a little kiss and squeezes me back and says goodbye. I accepted it.
But once last year, when dropping him off, I temporarily lost my sanity. He was out on the curb and he looked so grown up and cute I called out,
"LOVE YOU, JONAS!!"
That was the first time I saw a look of pure horror on my child's face. He recovered quickly, acting as if he didn't know the crazy lady in her pajamas in that minivan he just climbed out of, and ran to line up. I learned my lesson. He is just not that into me. Well he is, but just not publicly.
But today, as I was dropping off the carpool, something monumental happened. There we were; the door wide open kids in ear shot... lots of them. And he said,
"Love you, mom. Have a good day." And he leaned over the seat and kissed me on the cheek. IN PUBLIC. In front of his peers. I was barely able to reply "I love you, too" because I was in shock. What brought it on? I have no earthly idea. But it doesn't matter. I drove home feeling like that mother of the year award was in the bag. my bag.

we have a winner....

Thanks for playing... I had fun doing it. I think I will do a little monthly give away for all eight of you that were interested. That gives you really high odds people, really high.

want something for nothing?

Recently I won something. And it rocked. I walked around telling complete strangers I was a winner. OK, I really didn't, but I wanted to. I had so much fun being a winner, that I wanted to share the fun. So, in honor of my 100th post, I want to give something away. Nothing fancy, just something I could pull together in a day and not spend any money on. Why? Because I'm cheap. No, I'm broke. OK, I am both.

I call it the "He said She said" album. Its got pages of questions for you and your significant other to fill out:
It's also got pages all ready to go for 4x6 pictures of your handsome selves:
AND it has customizable pages. Like, you could totally write your names in there:
Does it get any cooler? I think not.
You want it? Comment.
My darling daughter will dress herself all up and pick a name out of a hat probably like Monday. So good luck and may the forces of nature (i.e. the secret) work for you.

a little help from my friends

I am in need of your help... probably everyone in the blog world has heard of Nie and the plane crash she and her husband were in. There has been all sorts of auctions and fund raising going on as they are in for months of recovery and millions of dollars worth of medical woes. Because Nie has been an inspiring example to me, I have been doing what little I can to help by praying for her family and bidding in auctions.
One fun fundraising idea in the works right now is a book. A book of funny blog posts by random people titled, "Sometimes Life is Funny". All proceeds from this book goes to the nie recovery fund. I would like to submit an old blog post, but nothing seems very amusing to me. With the deadline for submissions fast approaching I enlisted the help of my husband, and he helped narrow down a few old blog posts. I would LOVE if you could read and vote on the one you think is the best. Then I will submit and see what happens. Either way, I plan on buying this book and laughing at other people's expense. It is what I do best.

#1 my kitten poster must have been lost in the mail

#2 Weekend adventures

#3 Why I, a woman don't desire a bigger closet

#4 Job Satisfaction II

post 100

Back in January I started this here blog because I wanted to. No great reason, really. I just felt like it. I thought it would be fun and I am all about fun and not the opposite of fun which is taking your three sick kids to mutual with you and staying way past bedtime. Also not fun? Loosing you child in Walmart, then being so relieved you find him you start to push away the wrong cart and don't realize that you have the wrong cart until you are on the opposite end of the store and wanting to dig through your purse for the list, only wait! there is no list... BECAUSE THERE IS NO PURSE.. BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE FREAKIN WRONG CART, MORON! Then you race back to find your cart untouched. (gratefully.)
Back to the point, more than just fun, I have gained things from this blog. I don't think I have gained a hundred things, so let me just do a top ten and pretend each one counts for 10 'mkay?

1. Friends. You like me! You really like me! Or you humor me. Or you tolerate me. Frankly, I don't really care, it's just nice to feel a little love.
2. Time. What, you say? Gaining time by starting a blog? Well if you completely stop actually speaking to your friends, writing in a journal and scrapbooking then you gain a little time. How am I using all my extra time? Blog stalking. What better use of time is there as a mom to three young kids who rely on me for their well being?
3. Knowledge. Lots of it. For real. like, I had no idea that I was sarcastic. NONE. Until I began writing again. Maybe that is what that college professor was referencing when he gave me a giant A on my paper but under it wrote: LAY OFF THE SARCASM. Something to ponder.
4. Something new to waste time thinking about in the middle of the night. When I am roused from sleep for any reason in the night, I have this rather unfortunate condition that causes me to NEVER FALL BACK ASLEEP. I start thinking of random things like: who chooses the music in elevators or on the weather channel and why haven't they been relieved of their duties? And what do bon bons actually taste like? And why was this show cancelled?
5. Bargaining power. Now that I am blogging my family is constantly doing embarrassing things and then immediately turning ghostly pale and exclaiming, "DON'T PUT THAT ON THE BLOG!" So now, when I want something and they refuse, all I have to do is threaten to post something like this.



6. Peace. Peace in knowing that there are a lot of you out there that keep it real. That live a real life, and aren't afraid to admit that a little bad comes with all the good.
7. A better understanding of computers. Actually this isn't really true at all. I just want it to be.
8. A reason to check my email. Because frankly, I have tired of HOTSINGLES emailing me telling me someone wants to get in touch with me. It's just lost it's appeal.
9. A knowledge of things that are hip or stylish. No matter how disgusting they are.
10. And finally, perspective. A lot of times you can find yourself wondering if you measure up. At least, I know I do. And through blogging and blog reading and blog stalking, I have come to realize that who I am is who I am, and that is good enough.


Also coming up, continuing the celebration with special scrappy give a way. I just need to get me and my family some general health and well being back first. Oh, and my sanity.

one of those friday nights...

What kind of mother takes her kids to their first carnival and doesn’t bring the camera?

The kind who didn’t feel up to taking her kids that day, but goes out of motherly duty.

What kind of mom lets her kids run around carnival without their shoes in the sticky mess of spilled sno cones and cotton candy?

The same kind that takes her kids to their first carnival and doesn’t bring the camera.

What kind of mom goes to the carnival and lets her kids eat nothing but cotton candy and sno cones?

The same kind that lets them walk around shoe less.

What kind of mom doesn’t bring wipes for her sticky faced children?

The same kind that lets them eat nothing but sugar.

What kind of mom puts her kids in time out right upon arrival home?

The same kind that lets her kids eat nothing but sugar.

What kind of mom then reads the shortest story possible at bedtime so she can just tuck them in and have a little peace and quiet?

The kind of mom who didn’t want to take her kids to the carnival but goes out of motherly duty.

Children happy. Motherly duty fulfilled. Mission accomplished.

ps... my next blog post is my 100th! any post/celebratory ideas for such a special occasion?

Just wondering...

I did something today. I broke a general rule of mine.
And that rule is to not to eat anything that tastes like cardboard.
Or Crap.
I ate one of my mother in law's protein bars.And crappy cardboard is exactly what it was reminiscent of.
After the strong desire to gag and spit passed, I began to wonder exactly when is it on the road to healthy living that you decide crappy tasting is worth it. I mean I think I would rather not eat. Anorexia, here I come!

So it begins...

After much anticipation, and much debate over what to wear, it came. THE FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN.

The girl could not have been more excited. She really couldn't have and stayed in tact. The grin was busting off her face. The oatmeal was consumed without tasting it. The clothes were put on at light speed, but the glitter lip gloss, well that took a whole 5 minutes. Because you just cannot be careful enough when it comes to lip color, can you? Whose daughter is she anyway?
I gave her lots of advice yesterday morning. Advice I am sure she didn't care about and didn't remember 2 minutes after I said it, but she smiled and nodded at the appropriate times anyway. She knows the way to her mommy's heart. Fake attention. Nothing better than that.

I told her to be nice.
What I meant was, watch yourself and do not think you are better than anyone else.
I told her to listen well.
What I meant was drink in everything you are taught. you are building a foundation, build it strong and well.
I told her to look for the girl that everyone seems to ignore and ask her to play.
What I meant was, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, because one day you just may be the girl who feels invisible.
I told her to be brave.
What I meant was, I know how much you want to turn into yourself, but please let the world see your beauty.
I told her to have a good day.
What I meant was I love you, I will miss you, and how did you get this big?
And you know what? She really did.

What's up with me lately, part 2

Hey y'all, I've hijacked mom's computer again. She is busy getting Hailey off on her first day of school. People keep asking my mom what she is going to do with her time now that my brother and sister are off to school. She tells them her plans. I laugh. Because I have other plans for her. She should know better.
So what I have been doing lately is learning a lot of new tricks and behaviors. First off, I have found a new "picture face." I just get dead serious like this:


And I won't smile for anything. I can tell it bugs my mom, therefore I will continue doing it.

But my favorite new trick is spitting. I love it. I spit on people even when they are being nice to me. Total strangers, family, friends, I don't discriminate. I am an equal opportunity spitter.
Another thing I have been really into, is throwing balls. And since I am not your average kid, I went ahead and put a little spin onto it; I only throw really hard balls. Inside. At people. When they are not looking. And then I laugh and run away. The time outs are a breeze, and totally worth it. It is so funny.
But lately I have been wanting to do something more. I felt my behavior was, well, almost good. Too good. So I did some thinking:
And I decided to get sick and make it a point to throw up everywhere I could. It was very effective, and I highly recommend it.
It is so great being 2. I am loving every minute of it. So is my mom. I'm sure of it.

Wanted: your opinions

OK, first off, I just want to say stick with me through this post. I really want some opinions on this.
OK, so bad news... I am talking politics. Wait! Don't go! I am not going to go off on some random tangent about something.
Let me start with this: I hate politics today. It all seems like one big fake argument for argument's sake. This upcoming election has seemed really depressing to me because I have felt like I have no one to back. No one that I want to see as President of the country I live in, that my children live in. So I have pretty much ignored it. I am just too sick of fake people pretending they want what's best for the American People when they really want what is best for themselves.
Fast forward to Friday. My husband, knowing my disdain for the two candidates running, excitedly asked me if I heard who was selected as the running mate (that is a cool term for vice president. I am SO knowledgeable.) for John McCain.
I was like, "um no, and i don't care. but thanks for asking. what did you have for lunch today?"
And he was like, "no! mel! It's a woman! No, I mean like, a mom! You'd like that!"
And I was all, "OK Bri, I am hearing this from what you just said: Translation: being as you are like a real mom type woman, i am sure you would vote for someone just because she is seems like a real mom type of woman, because you are so dense you would vote for whatever looks like you without making an educated decision.
Then I'm all, "So, is that what you are telling me?"
And he, rather exasperated by me, (it's OK, he gets that way a lot with me. I can tend to be a teensy weensy bit exasperating. So I am told.) says "please just Google her, and read about her for me. Tell me what you think."
So I did.
And here is what I think:
This woman, Sarah Palin, a wife to a blue color oil worker, mother of 5 kids, one of which is serving in the Army and on his way to Iraq, was pretty cool. I watched her speech, and it seemed to me one of the most real political speeches I have ever heard. From what I read about her she seems like she is really just out to do the right thing, which was really refreshing and she had me thinking, "Could I vote for her for president?"
But I haven't really studied up on her, so who knows if what she says is all a bunch of crap; I wouldn't be surprised if it is. I was just wondering what you all thought of her.
So, your homework assignment today boys and girls is to watch the speech (fast forward to about minute 10:30) and tell me what you think.
And don't worry, I grade on a very large curve.

At least it's not golf

I love fall. It is far and away my favorite season. I love the smells, the colors, the mountains, the cool weather, the sweaters, the crunch of leaves under your feet.... I could go on forever.
There is just one problem with fall:


BYU football.

Yep, it's that time of year again. The time of year for entire Saturdays taken away by thinking about football, listening to talk radio about football, discussing football strategies around the dinner table, watching football, being in a bad mood because they lost... or even because they should have won by a bigger margin.
my husband has few obsessions: music (weezer to be specific), google earth, locking the doors, and BYU football.
The others I can deal with, but the football thing, now that can get annoying. Especially as we are entering Brian's last semester, which we have lovingly named it "The Semester From....." you fill in the blank.
He will be tackling more credit hours than I have nightmares about, on top of full time work and full time fathering.
So, in short, BYU football rains on my fall parade.
And I don't like it.

move over clouds...

She has always been a mommas girl. She has always been shy, but secretly loving any attention. She looks to me whenever someone asks her a question. She hides behind me whenever someone pays her a compliment. She shys away from being the center of attention, when really, deep inside it is what she craves. She has been caged by her own inhibitions and insecurities. It's hard to see your daughter have insecurities at such a young age. It is hard to see the sunshine hidden by the clouds of inhibitions. I have wanted desperately to move those clouds and let the world bask in her glow. But I just haven't been able to find a way.

But today my daughter found her rainbow.

Today was her very first dance class.
She was shy, she was unsure. she moved slowly. she kept looking back at me. She was rigid. Uncomfortable. But after a bit, she loosened. She moved. She stretched. She leaped. She smiled.


She became a dancer.

why having me as a mom is so beneficial

The last thing he said to me today, before stepping out of the comfort of the mini van and into the wild, unkown territory of third grade was:
"I just really hope I don't look like a dork."
To which I replied,
"Jonas, I made you. Me. The coolest person on the planet. Just look at me. You are incapable of looking like a dork."
To which he replied, his eyes rolling upward,
"Mom, you have a stain on your shirt."
I hope my kid, the most undorkiest of them all, has a good day. I am sure he will. I am also confident he will make a million friends, be head of the class, be teacher's pet, and rule the school the school by lunch. He is after all my spawn.

New Beginnings

I've come to the conclusion that the word Summer must mean play time in some other language. That is what summer was to us this year. No big trips, no fancy guests, no real big outings either. But it was play time none the less. It was full of sun, exploring, laughter, creativity and childhood. It was a good summer. But as fun as it was, we all know it has to end. If it didn't I think one of my adorable children would likely strangle another adorable sibling... and drive me crazy in the process. We decided to end summer nie style, with a private dinner party. A fancy party. Well as fancy as this house will ever get, at least. We pulled out the nice dishes for this party. We lit candles. We drank fancy soda. We put our pinkies in the air.

We laughed. We laughed a lot. My children are rarely serious. I am not quite sure where they got that from.
We laughed at Caleb's innovative ways of using the fancy table settings.

We ate and we talked. Talked about the summer; what they loved, what they didn't. We talked about the new school year. All the excitement and all the nerves. We gave them a chance to voice their concerns. It was cool to see these kids as little people trying to figure out their place in this big world.

We talked about our family goal:



We named things we want to work harder at this school year. Even those of us who are not heading off to school... like Caleb. He vowed to work harder to challenge our patience in order to make us better parents. He's sweet like that.
As we talked, I looked around the table at each one of the four people sitting there and saw my universe. I couldn't help but think that these are the coolest, smartest, bravest, strongest people in the world to me. They make me proud every single day. I Love them more than my intellect can comprehend. I promised to myself that, this school year, I will work harder to be the mom/wife they deserve.

What are you going to work on this school year?

Today's Random Wants:

(note: items are subject to change without notice. )

A camera. A real live one. I watched "The Secret". And I have waited and envisioned it and everything, but for some reason it doesn't magically appear like its supposed to...

A home. A real one. Not a borrowed one. One in which I can do what I please when I please.

A maid service. I mean just for the day. And especially for my bathrooms, because they are rather disgusting...

A quick and easy way to make money at home. No, not Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, jewelry by design, words on walls, diet drinks or data entry. Like, something I could do that would require no effort, but just pay me a lot of money. Having a hard time finding something along those lines.

A smaller butt. Because today I went to a scrapbook sale and I noticed that my butt was in a lot of people's way. It's even in MY way. And that's definitely not not a good thing.

And finally, world peace. Because I am selfless like that.

weekend by numbers

8.... days until school starts. Which meant that this weekend, it was time for our annual date with accompanied school shopping. This is where Hailey dies and goes to clothing heaven, where everything is pink and sparkles and the angelic choir sings High School Musical songs. This is where Jonas dies and goes to spirit prison where we drag him around torturing him with the idea of shirts with collars. And we say the word UNDERWEAR out loud. In regards to him. Then he doesn't talk to us for an hour. And he doesn't perk up until he hears the word lunch.... actually the word soda.
7 .... hundred number of times Hailey gasped with delight and twirled and raised her voice to a higher pitch than I had ever known existed, exclaiming that THIS WAS THE CUTEST THING EVVVVEERRRRRR!
6..... pairs of jeans purchased in boot cut, carpenter, straight leg, slim fit, classic fit, and sickeningly sparkly. All with adjustable waist pulled to the max because apparently my kids have the waists of starving children.
5...... rather large and loud tantrums thrown by Caleb. Despite my being prepared with suckers and chocolate milk and his blankey and his mute button (pacifier), and a buzz lightyear. Lovingly, he gave us at least one tantrum in every store just to provide us with a reminder that 2 year olds can just make life a lot more interesting. And loud. It can also provide you with the opportunity to receive ugly stares from people whose children obviously NEVER behave that way.
4...... stores visited. Each one was spent reminding Hailey she didn't need everything in the store and that there are more colors than pink and brown. and that glitter and jewels can in fact be used in excess. On the other hand we spent the time in each store, begging and pleading Jonas to choose something to wear. Anything. Anything other than boxers and a old t-shirt... please. I would have even let him buy a Spongebob shirt. I was desperate.
3...... hundred dollars we started the day with. we ended with a LOT less.
2...... number of parents who felt that they had been beaten with a blunt object due to the cost, the stress, and the noise level of the entire day.
1..... backpack purchased. This is the first year we have no character back packs! It was a very close call with a Camp Rock back pack but thankfully, the pink camouflage won Hailey over in the end.

And the day ended with a rather impressive fashion show, which was interrupted briefly by a naked 2 year old streaker. I think it was politically motivated.