gratitude post 2 : perspective

8 years, 7 months, and 7 days ago I became a mother. A young one. I was 21 by a hair. I was thrilled, in love, and terrified all at the same time. I wanted this little baby, I knew I needed him and he needed me. On the drive home from the hospital, as we pulled into the driveway however, I could not face that I was going in my house as a mother. I was scared to be alone without the help of nurses or mothers. I told Brian to drive to his parents house. So we spent a few hours there before I could work up the courage to go home to my new life.
I did go home eventually. Brian went back to work and I set out to be the perfect mother.
Only it didn't work.
I clipped his fingernail and made him bleed.
I couldn't get him to nurse.
I couldn't get him to sleep anywhere but in my arms.
I was tired and not always happy.
So I drew my conclusion: I was not the perfect mother I was supposed to be. I totally wasn't my mom. I never saw her go through this. She seemed to handle everything as a mother like it was a walk in the park. So I figured I would just try harder.
Brian fit right into fatherhood. He did all the right things; he knew all the right things to say.
I felt like a square beg in a round hole.
One night I was overwhelmed and just sort of broke down. I vented to Brian that I wasn't being a good mom. I was failing. I couldn't make bread! I could barely make dinner! I slept in the day! I fed my baby formula! I made him bleed! And the biggest guilty secret of all: I wanted a break!
Brian, trying not look at me like I had worms crawling out of my ears, said very calmly,
"I think every mom feels this way."
To which I promptly told him that no, he was in fact wrong. My mother NEVER acted this way.
To which he promptly replied, "You are not your mom. I didn't marry your mom. I married you. Melanie. Do you remember her? I think you need to go out and do something. Take a break from the baby. You will feel better."
I did. I went out with some friend, (likely one of you that is reading this now), and I felt better. I felt like Melanie again. The only difference was that I added a child to my life. My husband's peptalk made me realize that becoming a mother didn't mean I had to loose myself and be my mom. I just needed to be Melanie the mom and everything would work out.
And it has.
My children are perfect and brilliant and I no longer make any mistakes.
Ok, so that's not exactly true... but I am comfortable in my role and I have my husband to thank in helping me get there. I am grateful for his way to talk me down from a ledge. Every single time. And for his willingness to let me take the breaks when I need them.
Oh and I need them.